Why I am giving up on the daily practice of anything
When I picture someone who has mastered being healthy- someone who has mastered the practice of mental health in particular- I see something like this:
The perfect routine of a perfect master
It’s 5 am. The sun is peeking over the horizon as our master wakes up to the sounds of birds chirping from her alarm. Her bedroom is both minimalist and cozy, thick blankets covering the bed in a world that is perpetually autumn.
Our master drinks an 8 oz glass of cold water already infused with lemon sitting on her nightstand. She uses the toilet and only half-flushes to conserve water. She brushes her teeth and washes her face with only the most natural ingredients and finishes the rituals feeling refreshed, awake, and beautiful from the inside out, positively glowing with her oneness with the universe.
It’s 5:10 AM and she heads out to the kitchen, wrapped in a fluffy robe and slippers warming her feet against the chill of her bamboo floors. She boils water in a tea kettle for her morning cup of green tea and sits down for a few minutes to journal while waiting for the kettle.
She sits at her kitchen table, her cat weaving between her ankles, and begins freewriting in her moleskine journal. She writes about her problems and her feelings as if they are old friends, both amused that feelings happen and bemused at their wily ways. She documents her intentions for the day- kindness, patience, gratitude- and hears the whistle of the kettle.
She sits on her front porch, warmed but somehow not blinded by the early morning sun, and spends 7 minutes in meditation while waiting for her tea to cool. She counts her breaths, and notices when her thought strays to memories, fears, hopes, and dreams. She’s mostly just counting her breath since she has long ago stopped having worries and fears. She sips her tea while she marvels at the changing colors of the leaves on the big oak in her front yard. She doesn’t burn her tongue, the tea is the perfect temperature.
It’s 5:30 AM. She puts the teabag in her countertop compost, washes her mug in the kitchen sink, and sets it in the dishwasher before changing into her Lululemon workout clothes. Once ready, she spends 45 minutes on her deck in the backyard (also sunny, despite being on the opposite side of the house as the sunrise) doing her morning yoga routine, her breath measured and full.
It’s 6:15 AM. Barely sweaty, she steps into the shower to rinse off. There’s no need to wash her hair- she only washes her hair every three days. Her soap comes from a local farm.
It’s 6:30 AM. She’s dressed. It doesn’t take her long because her clothes are neatly folded in their proper drawers and she’s confident wearing everything she owns for any occasion.
Breakfast consists of absolutely no carbs or sugar whatsoever. She’s probably eating kale and eggs. Maybe some fruit on the side.
She goes about her day exuding kindness, patience, and gratitude. Her lunch was delicious, as it is every day. She never tires of chicken breast on greens with a simple dressing and some fruit and nuts.
It’s 6:30 PM. She has just finished cleaning up after a delicious, healthy dinner that only took 15 minutes to prep. She settles into the sofa with a warm blanket and a cat on her lap reading a biography of Catherine the Great. Non-fiction is just so inspiring, and she likes to limit screen time before going to bed.
It’s 8:30 PM. She washes her face, brushes her teeth. Lavender-scented oils surround her in an aroma of peace and calm. She takes 10 minutes to stretch, using her breath to deepen the experience and uses her mind to visualize each muscle. Her iPhone is charging somewhere, but definitely not on her nightstand, and her alarm does not have a clock on it.
She climbs into bed at 8:45 and is asleep within 60 seconds.
It’s all lies and let me tell you why
A couple of observations:
She’s alone. She has no one bringing their worries, their fears, their needs to her. She interacts with no one else.
There’s almost no mention of the work required to support this routine. No mention of the meal prep, the laundry, the learning required to source natural products. There is no mention of laundry routine. No mention of the money required to support healthy eating, the private space needed to spend time outdoors in solitude.
There are no surprises in this perfect day. No disruption. No inconsistency.
She never gets tired of looking at the same big oak tree in her front yard.
She never craves a waffle for breakfast.
I’ve been in pursuit of developing better mental health habits for nearly five years after realizing that I could no longer live the way stress and anxiety were becoming my only lens for understanding and experiencing life and relationships. I’ve tried many things, though not all the things, from intermittent fasting and Whole30 to Pilates, Yoga, swimming, walking, meditating, journaling, and so on.
I have never mastered the daily practice of any of those things, and I’ve spent a lot of time feeling frustrated that I was so inconsistent. After all, if we’re not consistent, if we’re not journaling everyday, how can we expect to really make progress on understanding ourselves and finding happiness? The stakes are so high!
Real life is a real thing
Here’s what gets in the way of daily practice:
I am not alone. I have a husband I like to spend time with, who likes to eat different things than I do. I have a 14-month old daughter who wakes up at 7 am on most days, 6 am on some days, and everyday (all day) needs me or my husband to facilitate her life and growth with things like meals, activities, supervision, etc.
My husband is a first responder. He works 48-hour shifts every four days. Sometimes he’s gone a Tuesday/Wednesday, sometimes a Saturday/Sunday. This means that some days, I am a single parent and solely responsible for keeping myself and my daughter safe and alive.
I work for a global company. Some days I start working at 8 AM, some days 9 am, some days I start at 5:30 or 6 AM. Sometimes, I have meetings late into the evening.
Sometimes we travel. Sometimes we have guests staying with us. Sometimes we have a late night out with friends, which makes early morning green tea and yoga pretty unappealing and like the exact opposite of mental health.
My body is never the same day to day. Sometimes I have a headache, sometimes I have cramps, sometimes there’s a weird pain in my foot that I should probably get checked out but never will.
During the phases when I’ve felt the most consistent in my daily practice of something, like meditation, eating well, exercising everyday, things start to go cockeyed. After a while, I start feeling like my life is in service to my routine- the constant meal planning and prep, laundry, mindless exercise. I see myself making decisions like choosing to not go out and have dinner with friends or choosing not to go to a wedding because travel disrupts everything.
Your mental health practices, your self-care, is supposed to be in service to your life, not the other way around. We do not exist on this earth to optimize ourselves, however hard it is to understand that. I’m not actually sure what I’m supposed to do with myself if it isn’t self-optimization, but that’s another blog.
This is why I’m done trying to do anything daily. I’m done trying to resist the natural and inherent inconsistency and unpredictability of a life lived with others. I’m done trying to see that as a bad thing, and start to embrace chaos as the balance of control.
I’m not done journaling, I’m not done meditating, I’m not done trying to find some kind of exercise I actually like. I’m not done trying to eat healthy (which is really a lifelong journey).
Instead, I’d like to expand my time horizon from “daily” to: over the course of last week, did I engage in the activities I needed to in order to maintain mental health and support happiness? Over the course of next week, what do I need to prioritize and what do I need to let go of?
I’m going to try to do a better job at saying, “Today, I need to go swim some laps.” Or, “Today, I need some time to journal.”
I’m going to try to measure my practice not in terms of everyday, but by asking the question, “What do I need today?”
Also, I really don’t like green tea. Or hot drinks of any kind, if I’m being honest. I also don’t love yoga. Maybe I’m just rebelling against it all and making excuses.